Apologies aren't over-rated

They are simply Under-used.

Over the last few days, I have witnessed opportunities for apologies to be made.

Just yesterday, I decided to take the first step and apologize to my dad for my outburst.  I figured since I had been out of commission for close to 4 months while I recuperate, my thresh-hold for understanding and patience had reached it's limit.  Or, I should say collapsed.

It took several days, but to be honest, I was really sorry for the strain this episode took on our relationship.  I had often taught that you shouldn't let the sun go down on an argument, especially with the ones you love.  It would be appropriate if I took my own advice.  Even if a few days late.

I came to the realization that it wasn't important who was right, or who was wrong; who was hurt, or what was said.  The important thing that really happened was that the first step towards healing this relationship was made.

It was easier sending an email to him than call.  Sometimes, people can get a chance to chew on your words (and preserve them for later digestion) when they are written down.  Within a few hours, my dad sent back an email accepting my apology, and apologized himself.

We want to mend the relationship.  We want to move forward.  We want to encourage each other, even though we might not understand the paths we have taken or chosen.

Life isn't perfect, and neither are we.  So why do we keep this impression that other people have to be perfect in the way they treat us, in the way they react to us, or in the way they act?  Why are we entitled to make judgments about other people when we are solely responsible for our own actions and attitudes?

You'd think I'd learn this by now, and that I would perfectly practice this concept.  After all, I've had plenty of practice.

I have heard some one say that "love is not having to say your sorry."  I TOTALLY disagree.  And say that LOVE is willing to say you are sorry, regardless of the facts.

This ain't your sand box painting company

About 17 years ago, my sister called my wife (Wendy) and made the comment that she felt sorry for me in the fact that I now had to paint houses. She didn't understand why I didn't get the gene that allowed me to make a better living or do better in my career.

That attitude caused a rift between me and my sister which I have since forgiven her for, although she remains unapologetic about her own attitude.

I concede that the painting industry was rife with downtrodden alcoholics and drug addicts. And unfortunately, it had that reputation. But I strongly argue that what makes you "professional" is not WHAT you do, but THE WAY YOU DO IT!

I found a group of professional contractors who were more professional in their business dealings than many corporate types. And I am glad I found them. They are mostly part of a great organization, the PDCA.

Many of these contractors are from multiple generation companies, and strive to bring top-notch, professional personal service to their clients. They are not your "station wagon bandit" variety painters. Nor are they the type to short cut the laws of their local areas. They are top professionals.

I have seen first class customer service programs, cutting edge employee morale programs, high tech systems approaches to the administration of their businesses. Many are on the cutting edge of technology, among the first to use, develop and sell estimating software. One of the leaders in our industry, Nolan Painting...just outside of Philadelphia, was once ranked as one of the best companies to work for in the whole state of PA! Of ALL companies! This company became an employee-owned one. A leader in thought of corporate structure in the construction field. Did I mention that this was a house painting company? Not a large industrial or commercial contractor? They are to be admired for constantly staying on top of issues in the industry.

And there's Joel Hamburg from Portland area who is leading the cause of being a "green" painting contracting. From processes to actual products being applied. He is a leader in the environmental front.

Rick Holtz swore he didn't want anything to do with the painting business  (H.J. Holtz and Son, Inc. ) his father (Dick) inherited from the grandfather. I knew Dick as one of the kindest southern gentlemen (from Richmond) I had ever met. He was running his second generation painting business out of his laundry room. Once his son Rick got the corporate bug out of his system, he returned to his roots and took over the family business. He grew it to where they ran the business out of a commercial property, a former ice cream plant. They even had a sophisticated spray booth, perfect for those problematic wooden shutters, iron furniture and other items.

Alas. The time for me to close down my business, Anderson's Famous Painting Co has come. In the midst of trying to reinvent my business, I had a skiing accident. The accident caused me to to re-evaluate my priorities and my talents, abilities and passions. I am glad it happened. And I feel blessed to have met some of the finest people, families and business owners on the face of this earth. What I will miss the most, is not the painting or the changing of the color of walls. But I will miss the camaraderie and fellowship I found through the PDCA.

I am glad my sister's cutting remarks motivated me to seek out a better way to do things.

Margaret, you got it wrong.

Professionalism isn't WHAT you do...it's the WAY you do what you do.

What does it mean to be a conservative?

This question was asked by the moderator of a page I am a fan of. Here is my answer (with a few additions). Please feel free to add your own or comment.

A conservative is one who believes that:
Government should be of laws, rather than of men.
Government should be giving a hand up, not a hand out.
Government should not be doling out more than it takes in.
Laws should stand on their own merit, not negotiated away with special add-on favors.
Identifying, agreeing with and maintaining the philosophies of the founding fathers, using THEIR words, not ours or interpretations
Equal treatment means equal treatment. But definitions should not be twisted to incorporate new concepts that favor special interest groups.
Dedicated to the concept that the money the government takes in still belongs to the people, NOT the government.
That the government is the STEWARD of our money, taken through taxes. And that the government should be held accountable for the quality of that stewardship.
Taxes should only be taken to meet minimum sustenance requirements of basic infrastructure needs. And prudent planning for disaster relief should be subject to budgetary constraints.
You spend less than what you take in, give back the excess or put it away for a rainy day.
Economic justice can best be won by free men through free enterprise.
That the only things that should not be tolerated is evil, injustice and limiting freedoms.
Personal freedoms are sacrosanct so long as they are not immoral or illegal.
Humanistic liberties are subordinate to principles defining what is right and what is wrong.
That the concept of "social justice" is a worthy cause, but has been errantly twisted to incorporate government programs under the guise of moral achievements.
Government can not achieve moral superiority through programs, laws or regulations.
Social justice can best be achieved through individuals taking an active part in helping their neighbors only, and not by depending on government programs.
All rights are given to us by our creator and NOT by our government.
Our greatest institution is the traditional family, and not any other organization, movement or government
Defending our way of life and our freedoms is a responsibility, an honor and an expectation.
Defending freedom and democracy should start, end and be maintained vigilantly within our country first. And that prescence of our military forces in other countries should be maintained for the sole purpose of combatting threats to our nation
That each individual life should be held in the highest regard from point of conception until a natural death.
Faith in God gives meaning and purpose to human life

When things seem tough

I can really kick myself sometimes.

When I think I am having a painful time, all I have to do is remember the whippings and the torturous lashings Jesus endured.  He did no wrong.  But He took on this punishment on my behalf (and yours).  Sometimes some of the dumb things I do, I deserve the lashings.  But he took them for me.  And for that I am grateful.  It was/is His gift for all of us.  All we have to do is accept that gift.  I did.  And it made all the difference.

Does He still feel the nails, every time I fail?

Behind the brush, for a short time

A good customer called me about finishing up and touching up some work in their house.

Since I have been anxious to get back to work, I decided to give it a shot.

First, walking up the stairs to the third floor of the house from the basement was a little tedious.  But my knee felt good.  I was able to put weight on my left leg as I climbed the stairs.  Going down was another story.  I had to climb those stairs 5 times in a 2 hour period, and boy, did I feel good about it!  I love seeing progress, day by day with this injury.

But being behind the brush is what this is really about.  I had some minor touch ups to do and it was a little weird working with the brushes and rollers.  It was like an old friend who you felt comfortable with.  I am still set on not coming back to this trade, but it felt really comfortable working the cut lines and feathering out those touch ups.

This customer gives me my own paint shop, and one of the last things I was doing before my accident was painting and organizing the paint shop.  If all customers were like these people, and treated me and our trade with respect, I might consider staying in it.  But there are just too many jerks as customers and unlicensed contractors that make for unfair competition.  Frankly, I have had enough of the condition of our marketplace and "competition".  Although I have told I am really good at what I do, I don't "feel" it.  I'm burned out...at least that's what I've been telling myself for the last few months.

I've been getting some calls from other customers who want me to do some more work.  It's funny, because these customers are the ones where I had gotten back in the field after running crews for several years.  And I didn't think I still had it in me then.

Mt. Anderson, an active volcano

When my dad told me he wasn't able to come over for a cookout on Father's Day because he had already committed to going over to my step-sister's, I blew a cork!  And that's putting it mildly!
There was something in his response to me that simply set me off.  I don't think I have ever gotten so angry (and hurt) in my life.

My response the next day was bad.  I mean REALLY bad.  Its as if I were a 15 year old all over again.  I was angry with him, my step mom, and my step -sister.  The only person not in the way of my wrath was my step mom.

After I've cooled down, I realized there was probably a lot of pent up frustrations in there that hadn't been dealt with.  Coupled with being frustrated for being out of work and not able to work due to my knee injury and recovery from ACL surgery, feeling useless, worthless, and not very spiritually minded or Christ-centered, I just unloaded a lot of bad stuff.

Right now, I know I had scathing words for my dad, words I've never used, and certainly wouldn't use towards him.  What causes us to be an ass sometimes?  I know I was/am guilty.

I know that time heals many wounds, but I said some really bad things, to the point he may not forgive me.  I, a 52 year old man, am saying this about my 79 yr old father.  I hope there is time enough to mend this relationship.  Even though many of the things I said were true, and even though he believes I was making things up (I wasn't, as my wife will attest), and even tho I believe he needed to hear some truths...I wonder.  Did he really NEED to hear them?  At this age?  With his relatively new wife?  Why couldn't I just let it lie?

BAM! The gloves simply came off.  Old wounds, scars ripped open, salt being poured into every crevice.  It was painful.  I am sure on both sides.

Dad, I am sorry.  I know you are heading up to NJ for your grand kids graduation.  I hope that you remain safe and that we can talk things out when you get back.

Now if I could only muster the courage to talk to him in person or send him an email that would be apologetic, but neutral.  I'll have to pray on this.

Fixing what's broken

I remember sitting so engrossed in the debate on by-laws of the PDCA. They had been debating these things for the last several years, and quite frankly, it was rather upsetting to see the quagmire they were in. It would be easy to say there was incompetency on the Executive Committee's part and on the part of the President, because the argument tended to get stuck on grounds they weren't willing or able to get off of.


Having had extensive training and experience in the Jaycees, I was seeing clearly what the problem was. Why didn't others see the same thing? I also saw a way around the problems, but didn't feel like I had the PDCA experience or respect to speak up. Even though the annual convention meetings were getting uglier as the years went by, I felt compelled to speak up, finally.

I was encouraged to approach the nominating committee to express my thoughts and ideas on changing the structure and culture of the organization. A past president, Ed Travis, encouraged me to approach them with the stipulation that I wanted to present my ideas, but wasn't interested in a position that year. Well, I did get to present my ideas, and I was surprised when my name was brought forward as a candidate for the Executive Committee. A little surpised, a little shocked, I accepted and was immediately voted in at the convention.

It took a while to get familiar with the culture of the EC, but we eventually got to a place where a plan could be hatched out to deal with the conflicting passions of the board members and the need to make changes. I saw an opportunity to define one particular item as a deal breaker, and jumped on it. I pushed and pushed, knowing full well that this particular issue would not be accepted. But we finally got agreement that if this particular remaining issue were withdrawn, the by-law changes could move forward.

An agreement was made between the forums to withdraw the issue, as it really didn't affect their ability to perform. Once the agreement was made, the by-laws passed and the log jamb disintegrated. History in the 124 year old organization was made. And the new PDCA was about to be unleashed.

I am proud to have been a part of this change. And it is specifically exciting to see my initial vision of that change take place. I feel like I had done my part. Even though I will never be recognized for my contribution, it is personally gratifying to see that happen. And I don't particularly want recognition for the backroom deals and discussions. My job was done. And I was happy to retire from the PDCA on top. There are still many people who don't understand what happened. And there are some who still don't think I have the (PDCA) experience for leadership. That's OK with me. I don't feel like I don't have to prove myself. I just see a problem that needs to get fixed and I fix it.

Next...the Maryland Republican party.

Everybody has to have a first

And here it is.
My first blog entry.  I have no idea where this is going to lead me or what will become of these prose.
Isn't that what you're supposed to say for your first blog attempt?

You may find me sputtering about a grandiose self image, trying to build myself up (unimpressing most readers...if any), arguing the validity of my thoughts, and stretching the boundaries of psychological health.

What scares me most about this, honestly, is the possible discovery that I am, in fact, a wimp.  That the whiny nature of my genes will permeate these entries and cause you to lose faith.  And that I, myself, will lose faith.

But this is an attempt at documenting my life, my thoughts, my whiny ancestral nature (you've gotta blame somebody!)  (see, I started already!), my faith, beliefs, facts, experiences, wishes, desires and disappointments.

I struggle in my faith in God and Jesus Christ, although I rest on having given a commitment.  Going from a faith on fire to a cold rock, dropped in a bottomless lake with seemingly no chance of recovery.  I doubt the strength of my inner fidelity, although, thankfully, nothing has manifested itself in actions of infidelity.  I love my wife from the bottom of my heart.  I owe her more than I can explain.  Something I will probably write about as the days progress.  I am proud of my kids, but their actions and lifestyles often make me question what I did or how I performed as a parent.  Often it is with pride and deep satisfaction.  And sometimes it is with hurts and disappointments.  Not so much in them, but in myself.

I am incredibly introspective, as I assume most bloggers would be.  And there are times, when the "O'Brien" comes out of me and I get incredibly accusational.  Cutting words and accusations for those around me seem to be a generational curse, possibly a learned response in dealing with life's difficulties.  I can anger easily when tipped on my emotional response side of the dice.

And all the while, I also am known to be a positive person.  When I am called this, it surprises me.  And I am left to think, "How did you get fooled?"  But then again, every now and then, I can find a positive gem to extract from life.  I studied positive thinking and read many books.  Its a shame I have to work at being a positive person, with a positive outlook.

I am mesmerized by intellectuals.  And occasionally (ONLY OCCASIONALLY) can I keep up with them verbally.  I am often surprised to be able to keep up mentally, through active listening and introspection.  My vocabulary is more limited than I would like.  But I assume that it is because I don't exercise my brain by reading as often as I should.

Speaking about exercising, I am way over weight and tip the scales close to 325.  How the heck did I let myself get there???   I have to admit I haven't weighed myself for a few months, and am frankly afraid to do that.  Perhaps you will witness my physical transformation.  I can only hope and pray...and change...

Well here goes...(press *publish post*)...*GULP*