Do you ever wish you could eat your words? But it becomes more like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube? Well, my last post was something like that. I'm a little taken back by my own negativity and self pity. But when life makes you look into the mirror, if there aren't instances that can make you humble, then you aren't looking at life through the eyes of reality.
I guess I could say that my life has been full of failures. And quite frankly, I am very thankful for that. I could let it/them freeze me into inactivity, but I continue to move forward, if only at a snail's pace. I have learned every step along the way, and it keeps me vigilant, to a point, of continuing the struggle to stay positive. It's kind of like a compass, where I am motivated to keep pointing in the direction of fulfillment. I may have made a mistake by inviting my old gal, D, to read my blog. I didn't want to embarass her or make her feel put out by the fruits of her and her husband's hard work. And I certainly didn't want her to feel sorry for me. She may even be mad at me. And I could understand that. No one should apologize for reaping the rewards of such long and tedious hours spent on building a business. And certainly, no one should be surprised by the stumbles I have experienced. Both are very common in this great country of ours. I'm just sorry I admitted to doing a little self-comparison. I know full well, that is not a very healthy thing to do. I really am truly grateful, on their behalf to see this sytem work in this country. D and her husband deserve all. And I continue to be a cheerleader for their success.
The one thing I am a little more regretful about is not allowing the word of God to take control of my thoughts during this time of reflection. It made me realize that I need to spend more time in the Word. And study God's principles. I will try to do this better. I can't promise every day. The intentions are there, but I know my history shows other failures to fulfill this wish.
Yes, things are up in the air for me. And I am certainly at a crossroads. It is very tempting to make drastic life changes, especially when you feel that certain elements have gotten you to where you are, and they won't go away or change unless you sttrike them from your life. Certain things are just too precious to do that.
If anything, I need prayers. And I need someone to physically lean on, to hold, to hug and hug back. I pray that those in my life are those who I can rely on.
I will learn from this break down and move forward. The tendencies may still be there, but the movement must be towards the truth and hope.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Will I ever win?
Alright, it may seem like it's pity party time for me, but I've just gone through a rough weekend of introspection and soul searching. What I found and what I have a tendency to do is compare myself and my successes/failures with others my age. And frankly, I am not happy my myself.
When I got out of school, I went into the travel business, and borrowed money by way of credit cards to fund the operations. When we sold only 7 "beds" out of 700, things went downhill fast. And I folded under threats of lawsuits from police officers whose kids were scheduled to go on the trips we had booked but wanted to cancel. The contract didn't allow for cancellation beyond a certain date and we were way passed that. Just the same, the PO really threatened me if we didn't give him his money back. The problem was, his bed was already booked and paid for. Nothing I could do at that time.
I worked for the telephone company and during my training program, asked the manager of my office who the a**hole was who wouldn't give me time off for my honeymoon. He told me he was that a**hole. That job didn't last long!
I had a few successes in the corporate world, first doubling my salary each year for the first 4 years, working for a finance company, then Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Then somehow, I got in the bad graces of the VP's, coupled with my son's difficult birth where he was administered last rites twice at the hospital. The calls from the hospital came as we were having departmental sales meetings, and pulled me out of these. I lost all focus on my career. And never seemed to get it back until 15 or so years later.
I left BCBSM, when I was alienated by my fellow workers and didn't find a friend to talk to regarding the difficulties I was experiencing at home. I nominated a young guy for an award, as one of the Ten Outstanding Marylanders. He took me to lunch and eventually offered me a position with his company as director of sales. It turns out, he was quite immature and screamed at everyone but me. He even screamed at his mother who never returned to the firm after his outburst. He told his father that I wasn't producing. However, I was covering his backside all the time. I was saving accounts that were in jeopardy of not renewing with us, which took me away from producing new accounts, which was supposed to be my main focus. His father, a state senator, called me into his office and fired me, telling me I couldn't "sell my way out of a paper bag." Crushed, as I was still dealing with issues at home with my disabled son, I did not argue or plead my case. I simply resigned myself instead of sticking up for myself. The company was going through a difficult time shortly thereafter. But one of the last things I did was bring in an account that was later to prove the savior of the business. That company now does in excess of $1 billion in billings, as a result of the spin off of that one account. I never got a nickle from it, and the owner still holds me accountable for a gift/loan of $2500 to fund a new business venture that is next up in my story. He has since "forgiven" the debt, but stipulates that I never paid him back even though I was the one that brought in the one saving account.
I partnered with one of the insurance vendors to provide a service to the insurance brokerage community. It was an enrollment service to help the brokers get deeper into their accounts, offering disability products, paid with pre-tax dollars (savings from 125 plans). After close to two years, one of my other partners calls me into the office to tell me the other partner was gone and had walked off with the entire bank account. He had cleaned us out.
At the time, I had just gotten started in Amway and was doing fairly well. I stopped by my sponsor's house (who was a former NFL player) and broke down, telling him what just took place. I was behind in my mortgage and my car payments, waiting for a large payoff from the sales we had done the month before. And now all that was gone. David (Taylor) asked me what was I doing when I was happiest in life. Perplexed, I answered that when I was putting myself through college, painting houses, things seemed a bit simpler. He told me I needed to get my head through all this and I needed to settle down a bit. He told me he needed his house painted and wrote me a check for $1000 to get started in a couple of days. It was an answer to prayer. And that is how I got started in the painting business.
Throughout this whole time we were building a locally successful Amway business and eventually developed a residual income around $1200/month. No great shakes, but we were proof that it worked. Eventually, all this died out, as we were distracted due to the growth of the painting business.
The painting business successes came and went. It was like a roller coaster ride. One year making $150k, and the next, losing 130K. I was in and out of it several times, starting new ventures and never really settling in on any particular career. Meanwhile the painting biz was just providing some badly needed cash to pay bills. Eventually, after several illnesses sidelined me, I concentrated on the painting business as a career. I joined the PDCA (national trade association) and developed several friends and admired acquaintances. I had a downturn in the business several times over the years and did the following: worked at Sherwin Williams, selling paint in the ghetto (literally taking my life into my own hands, walking up to guys asking if they wanted to start an account at the city store...it was a scary time). Wendy told me she would rather worry about how we were paying our bills, than whether I was going to come home that night from working in my dangerous territory. So I went back into the painting business. I also spent 6-7 months as a sales rep for MAB Paints. The Sales manager was a real trip. Highly ignorant and had the personality of a tar pit.
I became Marketing Director of a small health care firm, that ran out of money due to the threat of the Clinton health care program concept. We had a good idea, but nobody wanted to make commitments due to the uncertainty of the marketplace at the time. So I went back into the painting business.
I always wanted to be in the real estate business, so I went to real estate school and got my license. During that time, my business grew to about $2million per year, in a particularly tough market and I transferred to REMAX. Shortly thereafter, I had a 6 month drought, without any sales and the bills were mounting up. I had had an accident, and a serious heart issue that developed. I was seeing the doctors at Hopkins twice a week. Because it was a seller's market, you had to react quickly to take buyers around on a moment's notice. But because I was preoccpied with my health issues and commitments at the hospital, I wasn't able to participate in working with many buyers. So, I started painting for some of the realtors in the office. And went back into the painting business.
I started to seriously grow the painting business and eventually had my own shop. It was 1000sf, with an office, carpentry shop, screen tables, faux finishing area and classroom. I even had a store room for small supplies that resembled a wall at one of the local stores. I had upto 18 painters at this point, but usually carried 8-12. The economy crashed again, and I was only able to carry 3 guys, most of whom were my most loyal, but also my least productive employees. I eventually closed this shop down. It was a truly sad day when I personally had to take the sign down off the front of the shop. I dabbled, alone in the painting business, but found myself unable to maintain the quality of work I was known for, I was not able to keep up with my own production requirements.
I had the business for sale, but instead worked on an arrangement to consolidate my business with the largest residential painting company around. I also developed a working relationship with a fine organization about an hour away, in Crofton. The Crofton arrangement just didn't work out, and I'm not sure what happened there. I am somewhat suspisciuos that my tourettes was an issue with working with the other sales people there. So, I concentrated on my arrangement with the local painting firm. This arrangement lasted about 1 year and was particularly fun. The economy tanked again, and the leads were reduced to about 10% of what they had been.
I had decided to go back to school to do something that really intrigued me. I had no idea whether I was any good at it, or even if I had a passion for it, but I decidied to go to culinary school since things had quieted down in the economy for the painting business. Meanwhile, some of my old clients wanted me to do some work for them. So,can you guess??? I went back into the painting business. And then was burning the candle at both ends. Running a fulltime painting business during the day and going to school, full time three nights a week. It was exhausting. But fun.
But this time, I tried to build the painting biz with a different set of employees. This didn't work either. This set of employees just were not as reliable, and they were doing extra work for my customers on the side. A BIG no-no. Since my health was in question, I struggled with completing work with incompetent workers, which started to rewrite my reputation.
All the while, I was involved in the PDCA and was elected to serve on the Executive Committee by members of the industry. This was a big step and quite an honor to be recognized as a leader in the industry. But to be truthful, I felt ashamed that my business simply didn't have the success that the other members did. And I really didn't feel worthy to hold that position. My training in the Jaycees, however, had given me the insight and ability to fulfill my duties and develop a strategy to help others. It was a great experience, traveling around the country, meeting some really great people and families.
The combination of finishing my tenure on the PDCA board, running a painting business and going to school was back breaking. The quality of my clients started to slip as I was desperate for work. I began to accept work from the type of people I would avoided in the past. But this time, it came back to bite me. We took 3.5 months to complete a 3week project due to customer issues, weather, supplies, equipment and transportation failures, employee failures, and inability of another contractor to do his work properly. This customer was the absolutely nastiest person I have ever had to deal with under any circumstance. One of my employees wanted to physically harm this customer because of the way she talked to me. I had to physically restrain him from going after her. Two lessons here. 1)Screen your customers and 2)screen your employees!
This customer was the one that took ALL the fun out of my business. Due to a problem with some stained wood, I ended up refunding them the labor portion of the entire job. It left me broken in spirit. Combined with some nasty politics in the PDCA, particularly from a contractor in SC, I lost any passion for the painting business. During my last national convention, one of the contractors who I looked up to and truly admired told me he thought I should close down and just simply get out of the painting business if I wasn't going to be successful in it. This devastated me. And I truly lost heart at that moment. Looking back, I also realized that I never had the support of my wife, except on very RARE and inconsequential times. When I asked her to help me and get involved with the business to help me get a handle on it. She simply did not perform. The realization of her lack of support and encouragement was the clinching nail in the coffin to the business. I had lost hope. I had lost my dreams. I had lost belief in myslef. I had simply lost. It was a very lonely time.
I took the winter off to regroup and concentrate on my culinary studies. I was finding that I didn't have the passion about this like you needed to in order to make a career of it. It was simply another skill I was acquiring. And I had little passion for it. 1/3rd the way through my last semester, I had a skiing accident (broke my femur, and tore my ACL, requiring repair and surgery) that necessitated my quitting school and giving up any hope to continue in the painting business for 1 year.
The recuperation from surgery has been gruelling. I sat for months, working my knee, going to PT, sitting at the computer and getting too active on facebook. I have felt like I've not had a life. I was asked to be the treasurer of a campaign for a guy running for the house of delegates. And I am truly honored by that role. And I was asked to be the Treasurer of the Reagan Republican Club, one of the premier Republican clubs in the state. And for that I am also highly honored. But as for my career. I feel quite unsettled. I do not know what I will do.
I have recently started back up in school. And that, I feel, is a good distraction for the time being. But frankly, I feel like a loser. I had a wonderful time talking with my original girlfriend, someone who I truly admire, and still love. I have been married for 30 years, and she has been married for 25 years. She and her husband had gone through some similar trials as Wendy and I have gone through. But they were in a totally different business. Their business has grown and they have thrived, now reaping the rewards of 20 years of hard work. I am very proud of her and what she has done with her husband. But I can not help but compare what I have, or don't have after 20 years of being self-employed.
I have no savings. I have no value to my business. It is the nature of the industry. The business I had gotten to know competes with other contractors who work on the black market...who aren't legitimate in their operations. The state, now federal, regulations are being stacked against the small contractor, and it is becoming too difficult to re-enter that field. We live in a house owned by my mother-in-law. Granted, we've made incredible improvements to her house to get top dollar for the value when/if we sell it. And the only other asset we have is another house in Parkville, where renters reside.
And I recuperate. It is frustrating to watch others go to work, succeed and flourish, while I am stuck here without any income, other than Wendy's salary, and unable to perform. I long for a good paycheck. I long to succeed. I long to make a difference and provide value to other people. I wish I could get a job to get me back on my feet again. But I know that would be short lived. My tourrettes keep me from holding down a job, as I have become quite disruptive to other people. It is far more advantageous for me to be self-employed...which I love. But the opportunities look like they need to wait until the time is right. In the meantime, I must look into other opportunities...but I still don't know what to do...or in what direction to go.
At times, I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in about this stuff. That's why I'm writing about it here. Perhaps we can figure it out together.
When I got out of school, I went into the travel business, and borrowed money by way of credit cards to fund the operations. When we sold only 7 "beds" out of 700, things went downhill fast. And I folded under threats of lawsuits from police officers whose kids were scheduled to go on the trips we had booked but wanted to cancel. The contract didn't allow for cancellation beyond a certain date and we were way passed that. Just the same, the PO really threatened me if we didn't give him his money back. The problem was, his bed was already booked and paid for. Nothing I could do at that time.
I worked for the telephone company and during my training program, asked the manager of my office who the a**hole was who wouldn't give me time off for my honeymoon. He told me he was that a**hole. That job didn't last long!
I had a few successes in the corporate world, first doubling my salary each year for the first 4 years, working for a finance company, then Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Then somehow, I got in the bad graces of the VP's, coupled with my son's difficult birth where he was administered last rites twice at the hospital. The calls from the hospital came as we were having departmental sales meetings, and pulled me out of these. I lost all focus on my career. And never seemed to get it back until 15 or so years later.
I left BCBSM, when I was alienated by my fellow workers and didn't find a friend to talk to regarding the difficulties I was experiencing at home. I nominated a young guy for an award, as one of the Ten Outstanding Marylanders. He took me to lunch and eventually offered me a position with his company as director of sales. It turns out, he was quite immature and screamed at everyone but me. He even screamed at his mother who never returned to the firm after his outburst. He told his father that I wasn't producing. However, I was covering his backside all the time. I was saving accounts that were in jeopardy of not renewing with us, which took me away from producing new accounts, which was supposed to be my main focus. His father, a state senator, called me into his office and fired me, telling me I couldn't "sell my way out of a paper bag." Crushed, as I was still dealing with issues at home with my disabled son, I did not argue or plead my case. I simply resigned myself instead of sticking up for myself. The company was going through a difficult time shortly thereafter. But one of the last things I did was bring in an account that was later to prove the savior of the business. That company now does in excess of $1 billion in billings, as a result of the spin off of that one account. I never got a nickle from it, and the owner still holds me accountable for a gift/loan of $2500 to fund a new business venture that is next up in my story. He has since "forgiven" the debt, but stipulates that I never paid him back even though I was the one that brought in the one saving account.
I partnered with one of the insurance vendors to provide a service to the insurance brokerage community. It was an enrollment service to help the brokers get deeper into their accounts, offering disability products, paid with pre-tax dollars (savings from 125 plans). After close to two years, one of my other partners calls me into the office to tell me the other partner was gone and had walked off with the entire bank account. He had cleaned us out.
At the time, I had just gotten started in Amway and was doing fairly well. I stopped by my sponsor's house (who was a former NFL player) and broke down, telling him what just took place. I was behind in my mortgage and my car payments, waiting for a large payoff from the sales we had done the month before. And now all that was gone. David (Taylor) asked me what was I doing when I was happiest in life. Perplexed, I answered that when I was putting myself through college, painting houses, things seemed a bit simpler. He told me I needed to get my head through all this and I needed to settle down a bit. He told me he needed his house painted and wrote me a check for $1000 to get started in a couple of days. It was an answer to prayer. And that is how I got started in the painting business.
Throughout this whole time we were building a locally successful Amway business and eventually developed a residual income around $1200/month. No great shakes, but we were proof that it worked. Eventually, all this died out, as we were distracted due to the growth of the painting business.
The painting business successes came and went. It was like a roller coaster ride. One year making $150k, and the next, losing 130K. I was in and out of it several times, starting new ventures and never really settling in on any particular career. Meanwhile the painting biz was just providing some badly needed cash to pay bills. Eventually, after several illnesses sidelined me, I concentrated on the painting business as a career. I joined the PDCA (national trade association) and developed several friends and admired acquaintances. I had a downturn in the business several times over the years and did the following: worked at Sherwin Williams, selling paint in the ghetto (literally taking my life into my own hands, walking up to guys asking if they wanted to start an account at the city store...it was a scary time). Wendy told me she would rather worry about how we were paying our bills, than whether I was going to come home that night from working in my dangerous territory. So I went back into the painting business. I also spent 6-7 months as a sales rep for MAB Paints. The Sales manager was a real trip. Highly ignorant and had the personality of a tar pit.
I became Marketing Director of a small health care firm, that ran out of money due to the threat of the Clinton health care program concept. We had a good idea, but nobody wanted to make commitments due to the uncertainty of the marketplace at the time. So I went back into the painting business.
I always wanted to be in the real estate business, so I went to real estate school and got my license. During that time, my business grew to about $2million per year, in a particularly tough market and I transferred to REMAX. Shortly thereafter, I had a 6 month drought, without any sales and the bills were mounting up. I had had an accident, and a serious heart issue that developed. I was seeing the doctors at Hopkins twice a week. Because it was a seller's market, you had to react quickly to take buyers around on a moment's notice. But because I was preoccpied with my health issues and commitments at the hospital, I wasn't able to participate in working with many buyers. So, I started painting for some of the realtors in the office. And went back into the painting business.
I started to seriously grow the painting business and eventually had my own shop. It was 1000sf, with an office, carpentry shop, screen tables, faux finishing area and classroom. I even had a store room for small supplies that resembled a wall at one of the local stores. I had upto 18 painters at this point, but usually carried 8-12. The economy crashed again, and I was only able to carry 3 guys, most of whom were my most loyal, but also my least productive employees. I eventually closed this shop down. It was a truly sad day when I personally had to take the sign down off the front of the shop. I dabbled, alone in the painting business, but found myself unable to maintain the quality of work I was known for, I was not able to keep up with my own production requirements.
I had the business for sale, but instead worked on an arrangement to consolidate my business with the largest residential painting company around. I also developed a working relationship with a fine organization about an hour away, in Crofton. The Crofton arrangement just didn't work out, and I'm not sure what happened there. I am somewhat suspisciuos that my tourettes was an issue with working with the other sales people there. So, I concentrated on my arrangement with the local painting firm. This arrangement lasted about 1 year and was particularly fun. The economy tanked again, and the leads were reduced to about 10% of what they had been.
I had decided to go back to school to do something that really intrigued me. I had no idea whether I was any good at it, or even if I had a passion for it, but I decidied to go to culinary school since things had quieted down in the economy for the painting business. Meanwhile, some of my old clients wanted me to do some work for them. So,can you guess??? I went back into the painting business. And then was burning the candle at both ends. Running a fulltime painting business during the day and going to school, full time three nights a week. It was exhausting. But fun.
But this time, I tried to build the painting biz with a different set of employees. This didn't work either. This set of employees just were not as reliable, and they were doing extra work for my customers on the side. A BIG no-no. Since my health was in question, I struggled with completing work with incompetent workers, which started to rewrite my reputation.
All the while, I was involved in the PDCA and was elected to serve on the Executive Committee by members of the industry. This was a big step and quite an honor to be recognized as a leader in the industry. But to be truthful, I felt ashamed that my business simply didn't have the success that the other members did. And I really didn't feel worthy to hold that position. My training in the Jaycees, however, had given me the insight and ability to fulfill my duties and develop a strategy to help others. It was a great experience, traveling around the country, meeting some really great people and families.
The combination of finishing my tenure on the PDCA board, running a painting business and going to school was back breaking. The quality of my clients started to slip as I was desperate for work. I began to accept work from the type of people I would avoided in the past. But this time, it came back to bite me. We took 3.5 months to complete a 3week project due to customer issues, weather, supplies, equipment and transportation failures, employee failures, and inability of another contractor to do his work properly. This customer was the absolutely nastiest person I have ever had to deal with under any circumstance. One of my employees wanted to physically harm this customer because of the way she talked to me. I had to physically restrain him from going after her. Two lessons here. 1)Screen your customers and 2)screen your employees!
This customer was the one that took ALL the fun out of my business. Due to a problem with some stained wood, I ended up refunding them the labor portion of the entire job. It left me broken in spirit. Combined with some nasty politics in the PDCA, particularly from a contractor in SC, I lost any passion for the painting business. During my last national convention, one of the contractors who I looked up to and truly admired told me he thought I should close down and just simply get out of the painting business if I wasn't going to be successful in it. This devastated me. And I truly lost heart at that moment. Looking back, I also realized that I never had the support of my wife, except on very RARE and inconsequential times. When I asked her to help me and get involved with the business to help me get a handle on it. She simply did not perform. The realization of her lack of support and encouragement was the clinching nail in the coffin to the business. I had lost hope. I had lost my dreams. I had lost belief in myslef. I had simply lost. It was a very lonely time.
I took the winter off to regroup and concentrate on my culinary studies. I was finding that I didn't have the passion about this like you needed to in order to make a career of it. It was simply another skill I was acquiring. And I had little passion for it. 1/3rd the way through my last semester, I had a skiing accident (broke my femur, and tore my ACL, requiring repair and surgery) that necessitated my quitting school and giving up any hope to continue in the painting business for 1 year.
The recuperation from surgery has been gruelling. I sat for months, working my knee, going to PT, sitting at the computer and getting too active on facebook. I have felt like I've not had a life. I was asked to be the treasurer of a campaign for a guy running for the house of delegates. And I am truly honored by that role. And I was asked to be the Treasurer of the Reagan Republican Club, one of the premier Republican clubs in the state. And for that I am also highly honored. But as for my career. I feel quite unsettled. I do not know what I will do.
I have recently started back up in school. And that, I feel, is a good distraction for the time being. But frankly, I feel like a loser. I had a wonderful time talking with my original girlfriend, someone who I truly admire, and still love. I have been married for 30 years, and she has been married for 25 years. She and her husband had gone through some similar trials as Wendy and I have gone through. But they were in a totally different business. Their business has grown and they have thrived, now reaping the rewards of 20 years of hard work. I am very proud of her and what she has done with her husband. But I can not help but compare what I have, or don't have after 20 years of being self-employed.
I have no savings. I have no value to my business. It is the nature of the industry. The business I had gotten to know competes with other contractors who work on the black market...who aren't legitimate in their operations. The state, now federal, regulations are being stacked against the small contractor, and it is becoming too difficult to re-enter that field. We live in a house owned by my mother-in-law. Granted, we've made incredible improvements to her house to get top dollar for the value when/if we sell it. And the only other asset we have is another house in Parkville, where renters reside.
And I recuperate. It is frustrating to watch others go to work, succeed and flourish, while I am stuck here without any income, other than Wendy's salary, and unable to perform. I long for a good paycheck. I long to succeed. I long to make a difference and provide value to other people. I wish I could get a job to get me back on my feet again. But I know that would be short lived. My tourrettes keep me from holding down a job, as I have become quite disruptive to other people. It is far more advantageous for me to be self-employed...which I love. But the opportunities look like they need to wait until the time is right. In the meantime, I must look into other opportunities...but I still don't know what to do...or in what direction to go.
At times, I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in about this stuff. That's why I'm writing about it here. Perhaps we can figure it out together.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I remember...
where I was,
at that moment,
on that morning,
on that day;
the sunshine,
the smell in the air,
the radio station I was listening to,
what I was doing when I first heard,
the address,
the pictures on the TV,
the tears,
the fear,
the crying,
the sobbing,
the thinking of family,
of friends, long since seperated from;
the fire, the explosion, the planes;
the people running,
jumping,
coughing,
with hands and cloths over their faces, trying to breath;
the crowds, running,
looking over their shoulders
as the cloud of dust rolls through and over the maze of buildings,
approaching like a wild hungry beast;
the surreal feeling that overtook me as I watched a building collapse,
then another;
thinking, was this a movie? Was this real?
the realization that someone did this,
that someone hated us,
that someone wanted us destroyed;
turning to God, asking for answers,
seeking purpose;
gluing my eyes to the TV
looking for more;
looking next to me as that person was seeing the same thing, experiencing the same feelings, seeking the same answers;
having a common experience with my neighbors, and all I came into contact with;
thinking about my family
my old neighbors,
my old classmates and their families,
asking, were any of them victims in this?
going to church, and the crowds
trying to heal or be healed;
a sense of resolve,
a weird sense of pride in
being an American;
the firemen running, racing,
the police staring up, looking for those to help, trying to make sense;
those who innocently lost,
who fought,
who tried to save;
men in baggy yellow pants, with
wide suspenders,
digging with buckets, looking for people,
the rubble;
the dust;
the steel beams;
the sadness,
the grief,
the pain,
the struggle to heal, to make sense;
9/12.
It's not that I won't forget, it is that I remember...
at that moment,
on that morning,
on that day;
the sunshine,
the smell in the air,
the radio station I was listening to,
what I was doing when I first heard,
the address,
the pictures on the TV,
the tears,
the fear,
the crying,
the sobbing,
the thinking of family,
of friends, long since seperated from;
the fire, the explosion, the planes;
the people running,
jumping,
coughing,
with hands and cloths over their faces, trying to breath;
the crowds, running,
looking over their shoulders
as the cloud of dust rolls through and over the maze of buildings,
approaching like a wild hungry beast;
the surreal feeling that overtook me as I watched a building collapse,
then another;
thinking, was this a movie? Was this real?
the realization that someone did this,
that someone hated us,
that someone wanted us destroyed;
turning to God, asking for answers,
seeking purpose;
gluing my eyes to the TV
looking for more;
looking next to me as that person was seeing the same thing, experiencing the same feelings, seeking the same answers;
having a common experience with my neighbors, and all I came into contact with;
thinking about my family
my old neighbors,
my old classmates and their families,
asking, were any of them victims in this?
going to church, and the crowds
trying to heal or be healed;
a sense of resolve,
a weird sense of pride in
being an American;
the firemen running, racing,
the police staring up, looking for those to help, trying to make sense;
those who innocently lost,
who fought,
who tried to save;
men in baggy yellow pants, with
wide suspenders,
digging with buckets, looking for people,
the rubble;
the dust;
the steel beams;
the sadness,
the grief,
the pain,
the struggle to heal, to make sense;
9/12.
It's not that I won't forget, it is that I remember...
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